Saturday, May 25, 2013

and God please protect my sanity

In our prayer time today Luiza prayed, "...and Lord please protect my sanity."
Yes Lord, Amen!

This would be an apt request for losing a baby, or when our 2 year old comes in at 1am crying, his bed soaked in pee, with his diaper missing in action. Or it could apply to our 4 year old leaping from a bed and pulling the drapery rod off the wall yesterday.

Actually it was in reference to her heart and how to think about various advice Luiza is receiving about how she could handle grieving for Cade, the name we are giving this unborn son. "You might want to ask for a few hours to hold him." "Think about how you want to dress him." "Be sure to talk with him now and bond with him." "Do you want a photo to remember him?"

To Luiza this all sounds... just weird! We don't even know what the procedure is here or what the hospital will allow. Holding him for a minute or two should be enough. Someone even gave us a gift to remember him.

"I know someone who put the ultrasound photo in an egg to hang on the Christmas tree each year. I don't want to be reminded of something painful every Christmas. Maybe we could just plant a bush to remember him."

"I don't feel all that attached. Maybe I am just being selfish, but why would I want to get more attached when there isn't any hope of his survival? That would just be more painful."  "Maybe it is my European culture that doesn't really consider the baby a person until birth." In the US you have to register a still birth, can get the footprints of the child, decide whether to cremate or bury the fetus. We aren't even sure if they will wash him up here.

Our prayers for a miracle don't seem to have received a "yes" response. Luiza is not gaining weight, so the amniotic fluid has not changed.We did not go to the hospital on Friday but will check for life on Monday or Tuesday, unless contractions come before.

Meanwhile I (Dennis) got a call at 9pm last night that my dad (age 90) started coughing up blood and was taken to the hospital.

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