Thursday, April 5, 2012

Why are you upset mommy?

 I hear this question a lot so I started to think why I am upset a lot. I know that the boys are not angels but why even the smallest disobedience upsets me so much.
So I got some time alone to think about this…I am not upset I am angry. Why? I felt that I didn’t have time to process my dad loss… busy with kids, guests over the holidays, trying to help my mom as she was here in her loss and grieving so I buried my emotions… I am angry that my dear dad is not here with us. I am angry that I had such a short time to say goodbye to him. I am angry that I couldn’t do anything to help him live longer. I don’t want to think about him in the past tense. I want him here to see Ryan reading his Bible. To see Kevin riding the bike he got it for Ryan when he was 3. To see Nate talking. I open my e-mails daily and deep in my heart I still desire to see a message from my dad. I miss to hear his voice on the phone.  I MISS HIM so much that it hurts and this makes me angry. I know that he is in a great place but I miss him and I can’t help.  I realized that I am angry when I snapped back to my mom about the inheritance. I felt that all those papers are just another reminder that he is not here anymore. I don’t want to fill anything. I will exchange the inheritance in a second with having my dad back again.
This week I went to dentist. Last time I went to dentist my dad came with me to keep me company.
Tonight I baked the traditional Easter cake (cozonac) and I thought how much my dad loved this cake.

Dennis was gracious and gave couple of evenings free to just go to our room and think about my dad and cry. So I looked back to pictures with him and cried. How wonderful man of God he was. Loving, kind, compassionate, encouraging always learning more about His Savior.
Dennis offered to take me to Romania for Easter. I told him that I can’t go. I can’t face being there without my dad. I need more time. Also my dear Dennis took the time to explained to the boys that sometime moms is upset because she miss Bunicu (grandpa) a lot. Ryan was sweet as usually and said “I’m sorry mom. I miss him too. I wish he was still here with us”. How much I wish this too.

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